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On the Lighter Side


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Stories that motivate us!

 

Welcome to stories that motivate us, makes us laugh, and causes us to think just a little bit more deeply.


 

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?

You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” 


 

9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat.

The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

 

The Wise Farmer's DonkeyThe Wise Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.  The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out a way to get him out.  Finally he decided it was probably impossible and the animal was old and the well was dry anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to try and retrieve the donkey.  So the farmer asked his neighbours to come over and help him cover up the well. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, when the donkey realized what was happening he cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down and let out some happy brays.  A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well to see what was happening and was astonished at what he saw.  With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was shaking it off and taking a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he continued to shake it off and take a step up.  Pretty soon, to everyone's amazement, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

Will and Guy consider that the moral of this tale is: Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.  Through applying wisdom every adversity can be turned into a stepping stone.  The way to get out of the deepest well is by never giving up but by shaking yourself off and taking a step up.

The moral is what happens to you isn't nearly as important as how you react to it.

 

The Miser Gets His Just Reward: A Funny and Salutary Story

Bryan, had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money.

He was a real miser when it came to his finances. Bryan loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Emma, 'Now listen, Emm, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.'

So he demanded that Emma promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, of course, one day he died. Bryan was stretched out in the casket, Emma was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute.'

Emma had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket, Emma?'Best Short Story

She replied with a twinkle in her eye, 'Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?' spluttered the friend.

'I sure did,' said Emma. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque.'

 

Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field

Nobel Prize

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?'

'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize, 'the farmer replies.

'A Nobel Prize?' enquires Bob, puzzled. 'How?'

'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.'

 

 

Those Ancestors!Thanksgiving - happy turkey!

The Taylor's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had travelled to America with the Pilgrim Fathers on the Mayflower. They had included Congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports people and television stars. 

They decided to research and write a family history, something for their children and grandchildren. They found a specialist genealogist and writer to help them.  Only one problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair. 

The writer said she could handle the story tactfully. When the book appeared the section about Jefferson read:

Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, he was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.

 

Turkey Hunters' TaleFunny Thanksgiving Stories

 

Tommy and Billy were discussing their latest turkey shoot. Tommy says emphatically, 'I am never going to take my wife Laura shooting with me ever again, Billy!'

'That bad, eh?' enquires Billy smiling.
'Yeah, Laura did everything wrong, got nothing right.  She chattered too much, constantly disturbed the undergrowth, loaded the wrong gauge shot in the gun, used the wrong luring whistles and worst of all,' bellows Tommy, 'she shot more turkeys than me!'

 

Fun At The Movies

 

Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see "Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly.

Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't hear.'
'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.'

 

 

Speaking with Pumpkins

How do you talk to a pumpkin with three heads? 

.Pumpkin JokesPumpkin JokesPumpkin Jokes

   Hello,        hello,        hello.

 

Fire-fighters' Halloween Story

Notice:
County Community Burn Ordinances Pertaining to recreational fires and burning of yard and household waste.

All outdoor burning is prohibited in the City except for those parcels described in ordinance. Recreational fires are allowed, but not during the hours of 6:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m.

At 8.00pm on October 31st two fire-fighters could see a fire raging in the back yard.  I was clearly in breach of the rule on burning leaves after dark.  One of the fireman knocked on the door, and they both waited each holding their helmet in their hand.  The little old woman opened the door and promptly dropping a bar of candy into each helmet.  She then told them, 'Aren't you boys are a little old for trick and treat, and closed the door'.  The fire-fighters left open mouthed.

 

Grandfather in the Ark?Classic funny short story - Grandfather ark story

My sister's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him.  One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark. 

The little boy asked, 'Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?' Gosh no' , said Granddad.' In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?'

 

Molly Aged 103

Journalists were interviewing Molly Holderness, a 103-year-old woman, 'Tell us, Mrs Holderness, what do you think is the best thing about being 103?' the reporter asked.

Molly smiled and looked straight at the reporter and simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

 

 

Irish Parking

These workmen have installed bollards to stop parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast, Northern Ireland .

Irish Parking

They are cleaning up at the end of the day. Will and Guy wonder how they will get their van out.

 

 

How to Get Really Smart

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marvelled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.Fishy tales Will and Guy's humour

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'

'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'

 

Eternal Rivalry - Army and Navy

An old Sailor and an old Fleet Air Arm were sitting in the Duke of Buckingham arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

'I did 30 years in the Corps', the Fleet declared proudly, 'and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. 'As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. 'Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire-fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!'

'Ah', said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, 'lucky Tommy, all shore duty, huh?'

 

Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Barbie Divorced

  • Work Out Barbie for $19.95
  • Shopping Barbie for $19.95
  • Beach Barbie for $19.95
  • Disco Barbie for $19.95
  • Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
  • and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

 

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, and Ken's Computer."

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Stillman Valley High School 425 South Pine St. Stillman Valley, IL  61084

815-645-2230 Fax: 815-645-8145

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